


Rose: Beta Karkat's fic.

by mercurialMalcontent



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Other, Pesterlog
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-21
Updated: 2015-03-19
Packaged: 2017-12-24 06:10:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/936323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mercurialMalcontent/pseuds/mercurialMalcontent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>CG: …<br/>CG: WELL?<br/>TT: This is certainly something.<br/>CG: OH GOD. DON’T SUGARCOAT IT, ROSE, IT WON’T MAKE IT TASTE ANY BETTER GOING DOWN.<br/>TT: As my dear ectoslime brother would say: calm your tits, Karkat.<br/>TT: It’s very interesting in a way I’m having trouble putting into words.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Rose: Beta Karkat's fic.

carcinoGeneticist began trolling tentacleTherapist

CG: HEY.  
CG: HEY ROSE.  
CG: YOU WRITE SHIT, RIGHT?  
TT: I generally strive for better quality than that, but yes.  
TT: Do you need advice?  
CG: SORT OF?   
CG: I WROTE SOMETHING BUT  
CG: UGH  
CG: COULD YOU JUST READ IT FOR ME?  
CG: TELL ME HOW TERRIBLE AND MEDIOCRE IT IS ON A SCALE BETWEEN ‘MUSCLEBEAST SHIT’ AND ‘TOXIC WASTE.’  
TT: Heh. I doubt it’s that bad.  
TT: Send it over.

CG sent the file BLUHBLUHSTUPIDSTORY.txt

CG: …  
CG: WELL?  
TT: This is certainly something.  
CG: OH GOD. DON’T SUGARCOAT IT, ROSE, IT WON’T MAKE IT TASTE ANY BETTER GOING DOWN.  
TT: As my dear ectoslime brother would say: calm your tits, Karkat.  
TT: It’s very interesting in a way I’m having trouble putting into words.  
CG: LALONDE THE LOQUACIOUS, HAVING TROUBLE PUTTING SOMETHING INTO WORDS? OH SHIT, NOW I’VE DONE IT.  
TT: You sure have. Rendering me nearly speechless might cause a rift in paradox space.  
TT: Now where was I.  
CG: YOU WERE ABOUT TO TELL ME I’M A TERRIBLE WRITER AND I SHOULD NEVER APPROACH A NARRATIVE FORM EVER AGAIN.  
TT: Ah, yes.  
TT: You command of metaphor is frankly astounding. You’re even better in text than you are verbally, and that’s saying something.  
CG: I— WHAT?  
TT: However, they do tend to get out of hand. Even as entertaining as they are, when they approach a paragraph in length it does look like you’ve lost the plot more than a little.  
TT: Also, it’s way too obvious who Daevid actually is.  
CG: WAIT, FUCK, DID I FORGET TO CHANGE HIS NAME. I FORGOT TO CHANGE HIS NAME. OH, FUCK ME SIDEWAYS.  
TT: You did, but I would have been able to tell, anyway.  
TT: I’m impressed, though, you got his speech patterns down perfectly.  
TT: Right down to the point that I’m now having interesting mental images after reading that erotic scene.  
TT: Did you mean for Duke Direclaw to be recognizable as you?  
CG: ALKSJDLFJLS  
CG: I’M GOING TO GO DIE NOW  
CG: IT’S BEEN NICE KNOWING YOU, ROSE, EXCEPT FOR THE PARTS WHERE YOU DRIVE YOUR AWFUL HUMAN PSYCHOANALYSIS STRAIGHT INTO MY BLOODPUSHER.  
TT: But it’s a very good erotic scene!  
TT: Even with the laser pistols going in places they weren’t intended.

carcinoGeneticist blocked tentacleTherapist


	2. Rose: Address Kanaya's concerns.

grimAuxiliatrix began trolling tentacleTherapist

GA: I Just Found Karkat Sitting And Rocking And Repeating Over And Over I Cant Believe I Let Her Read That  
GA: When I Tried To Get Out Of Him What And Who He Started Wailing And It Took Fifteen Minutes To Calm Him Down  
GA: This Is Your Fault Isnt It  
TT: Oh dear. I didn't expect him to take it that hard.  
GA: I Knew It What Did You Do  
TT: He asked me to read a story he wrote.  
GA: Rose Please Tell Me You Did Not Destroy Karkats Ego With One Of Your Critiques  
TT: I should hope not. I told him his writing is very good.  
GA: Is It Really Or Did You Say So For Humorous Insincerity  
TT: Kanaya, I know he's your moirail, but please give me a little credit for not being a complete monster.  
GA: Im Sorry He Was Just Very Distraught But If You Complimented His Writing I Dont Understand What Worked Him Up So Badly  
TT: Ah, well. I suspect I have an idea, but...  
GA: But What  
TT: It had some... how to put this.  
TT: Things that he found very embarrassing when I picked up on them.  
GA: Like  
TT: A thinly veiled expy of one of our companions and a very interesting scene involving said expy.  
GA: Interesting How  
TT: I probably shouldn't elaborate, since I expect he showed me the story in confidence I wouldn't blab.  
GA: Even To Me  
TT: Even to you.  
TT: You'll just have to take my word for it that it was VERY interesting.  
GA: But Im His Moirail How Am I Supposed To Calm Him If I Dont Know Why Hes Upset  
TT: But you do know!  
GA: Rose  
TT: Kanaya.  
GA: I Know Youre Dying To Tell Someone Since You Have Never Been Able To Restrain Yourself From Sharing Juicy Gossip  
TT: Lies and slander!  
GA: Especially Since You Know I Of All People Wont Spread Karkats Secrets  
TT: ...  
GA: You Know You Want To  
TT: Sigh. You got me.   
TT: File incoming.

TT sent the file karkats-gunslinger-fic.txt

GA: Wow I Didnt Know He Could Write Without The Capslock Key On  
TT: It's truly remarkable, isn't it? But do go on, it gets much better.  
GA: Wow He Is Good  
GA: He Really Should Have Changed Daevids Name Though  
TT: I would have recognized who Daevid was supposed to be even if Karkat *had* changed his name.  
TT: Try reading his dialogue out loud to yourself in a mumble.  
GA: Wow  
GA: Youre Right  
GA: Now Im Sad That Karkat Didnt Share This With Me First I Had No Idea He Could Write Anything But Diatribes And Long Arguments With Himself  
TT: Don't take it personally, love. I know when I first started writing seriously I was only willing to allow other writers to read my work.  
GA: Not Even John Jade Or Dave  
TT: Not even them.  
GA: Hmm  
GA: You Said There Was One Thinly Veiled Expy But I Am Clearly Seeing Two  
TT: My apologies. The other would be more accurately be called a self-insert, however.  
GA: Pff If You Say So  
GA: Uh  
TT: ??  
GA: Oh My God Karkat Laser Pistols Dont Go There  
TT: I thought that was rather inventive, actually. Really added to the tension of that scene.  
GA: Rose Please If That Scene Had Been Any More Tense My Husktop Would Have Snapped In Half He Did Not Need To Include The Laser Pistol  
TT: He didn't strictly *need* to, it's true, but I think it reinforced the elements of danger and budding trust in their relationship.  
TT: Even though Daevid objected initially, the fact that he was able to give himself over to the scene despite the danger they were in *and* the, ah, tool used to facilitate his pleasure, shows the incredible level of trust and respect he has, or at least wants to have, in Direclaw.  
GA: Dot Dot Dot  
TT: Ooor it could be the fevered imaginings of a teenager who desperately wants to get laid.  
GA: Not To Do A Disservice To Karkats Writing But I Think That Might Be More To The Point Yes  
GA: And Now I Completely Understand Why He Is So Distressed He May As Well Have Laid His Id Out On A Dissection Table And Handled You A Scalpel  
TT: Pretty much.  
TT: I feel bad that I didn't handle it more delicately, to be honest, but I really didn't expect for him to be so oblivious to how obvious it was he'd written out a very personal erotic fantasy.  
GA: Are We Talking About The Same Karkat Here  
TT: ... Point.  
TT: Give him my apologies, would you?  
GA: I Will Once Hes Settled Down A Little  
GA: Speaking Of Which I Should Probably Check On Him  
TT: Godspeed, darling, and good luck.  
GA: Thanks  
GA: Im Going To Need It

grimAuxiliatrix stopped trolling tentacleTherapist


	3. Rose: Answer Terezi's query.

gallowsCalibrator began trolling tentacleTherapist  


GC: WH4TS TH1S 4BOUT K4RK4T WR1T1NG 4 TH1NG?  
TT: How should I know?  
TT: More to the point, how should *you* know?  
GC: 1 C4UGHT K4RK4T P4C1NG 4ND MUTT3R1NG TO H1MS3LF 4BOUT HOW H3 N3V3R SHOULD H4V3 ST4RT3D WR1T1NG 4G41N  
GC: 1 D1DNT F1ND 4NY N3W M3MOS  
GC: SO YOU MS LOQU4C1OUS LOQU4T 4R3 TH3 LOG1C4L P3RSON TO 4SK!  
GC: D3DUCT1ON MY D34R L4LOND3 >:D  
TT: Why do you care about Karkat writing things, anyway?  
GC: 1LL TR4D3 4 CONF3SS1ON FOR 4 CONF3SS1ON:  
GC: 1 US3D TO R34D H1S F4NF1C!  
TT: Oh my god, don't tell me that there was a trollfanfic.net.  
GC: NO 1T W4S F4NF1C.TRO  
TT: Of course it was.  
TT: What in the world did Karkat write fanfic of? His endless romcoms?  
GC: H4H4H4 NO H3 JUST WROT3 THR3SH PR1NC3 F1C TH4T 4LMOST 4LL ST4RR3D H1S OBV1OUS S3LF-1NS3RT OC  
GC: H3 COULDNT S33M TO D3C1D3 WH1CH QU4DR4NT H1S OC W4NT3D TROLL W1LL SM1TH 1N  
GC: WH1CH 1S PR3TTY MUCH P4R FOR TH3 COURS3 FOR K4RK4T  
GC: 1T W4S T3RR1BL3  
TT: And yet you read it of your own free will?  
GC: 1T W4S COMP3LL1NG 1N 1TS T3RR1BL3N3SS!  
GC: NOW 1 W4NT TO F1ND OUT 1F H3 3V3R GOT 4NY B3TT3R  
TT: Karkat showed me his writing in confidence. I can't just hand it off to anyone who asks.  
GC: SO YOU DO 4DM1T YOUV3 S33N H1S R3C3NT WR1T1NG!  
TT: Well, yes. There's no point in turning this into a prolonged bulge-pulling exercise of coyness and accusations.  
GC: UUUUUUGH ROS3 YOUR3 NO FUN >:[  
TT: I aim to dismay.  
GC: YOU 41M TO 4NNOY MOR3 L1K3!  
GC: 1F YOU L3T M3 S33 H1S N3W WR1T1NG 1LL SHOW YOU H1S OLD F4NF1C  
TT: As tempting as that is, no. I will not betray his trust for a bit of petty bribery.  
GC: NOT 3V3N 1F 1 4SK YOU TO S1T 1N MY L4P 4ND R34D 1T OUT LOUD 1N FUNNY VO1C3S?  
GC: >:]  
GC: > :]  
GC: >:]  
GC: > :]  
TT: ...  
TT: Curse you, you've found my one true weakness!  
GC: TH3 L4PS OF 4TTR4CT1V3 YOUNG WOM3N?  
TT: No, reading badfic out loud in funny voices.  
GC: S1GH  
TT: Anyway, here.  


TT sent the file karkats-gunslinger-fic.txt  


GC: OH MY GOD H3 ST1LLS C4LLS H1S S3LF-1NS3RT D1R3CL4W  
GC: 4H4H4H4H4  
TT: Oh lord, he's actually had the same name all these years?  
GC: Y3S!  
GC: 1 S33 H3S MOV3D ON TO PUTT1NG 1NS3RTS OF P3OPL3 H3 KNOWS TOO  
TT: It's called an 'expy'.  
GC: BLUH BLUH WHO C4R3S  
GC: H3 H4S GOTT3N 4 LOT B3TT3R 4T WR1T1NG THOUGH!  
GC: 1F 1T W3R3NT FOR TH3 OV3R4LL 1MPROV3D QU4L1TY 1D W4NT TO S4Y D4V3 H4D N4RR4T3D TH3S3 B1TS OF D14LOGU3 H1MS3LF  
GC: 1TS TOO SPOT ON  
TT: I am 99% certain that Dave didn't have any part of this.  
GC: >:?  
TT: You'll see.  
GC: WOW  
GC: WOW!!!!!!!!  
TT: An unexpected glimpse into the dark corners of Karkat's psyche?  
GC: Y3S!  
GC: 1D 4SSUM3D H3D N3V3R THOUGHT OF 4NYTH1NG K1NK13R TH4N QU4DR4NT BLURR1NG  
GC: SOM3 S33R OF M1ND 1 4M  
GC: SW33T TROLL J3GUS TH3 M3NT4L 1M4G3S  
TT: Need brain bleach?  
GC: 1 N33D 4 COLD SHOW3R!  
GC: TH3 S1TU4T1ON 1N MY P4NTS H4S GOTT3N TOO HOT TO H4NDL3  
GC: UNL3SS  
GC: YOUR3 UP FOR 4 L1TTL3 R34D1NG H4T3D4T3?  
GC: >;]  
TT: Ngh.  
TT: Such an obvious come-on should not be that tempting.  
TT: And yet.  
TT: I'll be there in five.  


tentacleTherapist stopped trolling gallowsCalibrator


	4. Rose: Answer Dave's frantic pestering.

turntechGodhead began trolling tentacleTherapist

TG: hey rose  
TG: hey

tentacleTherapist is idle!

TG: ofc  
TG: just when i need to ask you a thing  
TG: like what the hell is up with kanaya and karkat  
TG: karkat wont talk to me even to yell at me  
TG: one day were copacetic the next poof  
TG: tried to ask kanaya what was up and she burst out laughing  
TG: rude  
TG: your girlfriend is rude rose  
TG: laughing in my face like that  
TG: crushing my poor fragile ego  
TG: man i guess you really arent at your computer you normally would have pounced at an opening like that  
TG: seriously rose where the hell are you  
TG: im actually worried about this  
TG: like karkat actually flees the room when i come in  
TG: do i smell bad rose  
TG: is my manly odor off the hook  
TG: is it rampaging through the meteor and threatening to destroy can town  
TG: rose  
TG: rose  
TG: rose  
TG: where the hell are you anyway  
TG: come to think of it i havent seen terezi around lately either  
TG: are you two hanging out  
TG: are you truly hatefriends at last  
TG: glaring daggers at each other over a game of scrabble or whatever the hell weird broads with razor sharp wits do around one another  
TG: do you get into fights because she slobbers on the tiles  
TG: is there hair pulling  


tentacleTherapist is no longer idle!

TT: Well, there's vigorous movement involved, that's for sure.  
TG: what  
TT: She does this thing with her hips, you see.  
TG: oh no  
TG: you dont mean what i think you mean  
TG: please tell me you dont mean what i think you mean  
TT: I don't mean what you think I mean.  
TT: And I hope that little lie helps you sleep at night.  
TG: god damn it rose  
TT: ;)  
TG: no  
TG: you stop that this instant  
TG: no winky faces no implying you banged my girlfriend  
TT: Hey, she's my girlfriend too, hate-wise.  
TG: akjsdh  
TG: stop  
TG: stop that  
TG: i dont want to think about it  
TG: and dont you dare make another winky face at me i swear to god ill like  
TT: Handle, acrobatic pirouette, etc etc.  
TG: i really need new material dont i  
TT: Yes. But let's focus on the matter at hand, shall we?  
TT: I'll even ignore the opening you gave me about your masculine ego.  
TG: thank you  
TT: No problem.  
TG: now what the hell is up with karkat  
TG: dont say you dont know youve got a bead on everything that happens on this rock  
TT: I do have an idea. But...  
TG: but  
TT: First, I have to ask:  
TT: How do you feel about the use of laser pistols for erotic play?  



End file.
